NARCISSISM IN AFRICAN HOMES: A CASE STUDY OF FAMILY DYNAMICS IN SOME AFRICAN HOMES
NARCISSISM IN AFRICAN HOMES: A CASE STUDY OF FAMILY DYNAMICS IN SOME AFRICAN HOMES
It is very important as the African continent to talk about this topic as many of us are stuck in situations like these that are mostly never spoken about due to “Respect your elders”. Sometimes can be “Don’t mind them they are old” such statements are the ones that put us backwards as the African global family due to the huge generational gap we are experiencing between the youth and adults. This could lead us into toxic family situations where one person is unable to express how they feel because he/she is younger or even older
The definition of what respect is according to the Cambridge Dictionary is an admiration felt or shown for someone or something that one believes has good ideas or qualities. In most cases, our elders and younger people have a problem of respecting each other or let alone understand each other because of our two different generational lives and at times being taught different things in life. Charity begins at home but when no one wants to conform with the beliefs at home, school and church are the second-best as many of the young generations of today are simply free-living breeds than of our African elders. The schooling and church system has succeeded in breaking family systems explains why many households are walking on eggshells today.
Look how many households are being destroyed due to what we have learnt in school, especially with sex education, which was the most debatable and controversial topic in time that today have made the society normalise sex as health than describing it in a spiritual term. No wonder why sex in ancient times was considered taboo due to being keeping it sacred to preserve the cultural norms which today is not possible. The schooling system has prepared us to be more materialistic than diving into hearts and souls today. It slowly prepared us for modern-day slavery, 9-5 jobs. For keeping the matrix alive. The school has also brainwashed our own parents and elders to have an educational psychosis, at times when people are possessed with the knowledge of educational psychosis, leaving the religious one does not make any difference especially when they have never gotten the time to dive deeper into themselves. Please do not get me wrong, as I am not fighting each other’s beliefs, I solely believe that we are all one, and we all have a story towards the decisions we have taken in our own lives regarding our spiritual path; Educational psychosis; Aka Atheism and Agnosticism, brings knowledge and wisdom but doesn’t really bring solutions to the world due to the fact most of the information is from the matrix than finding from within. In fact, most people who are under educational psychosis, are either they were religious before and found out the truth about the world or have had an experience that had pushed them to find themselves in this category.
The educational psychosis as I related to the schooling system, has made us throw away basic family values that held families stronger. It has made us throw away spirituality and look only in this simulated world. This is the sad real truth that many are not ready to hear about. Yes, human psychology is a bringer of solutions to the problems we have in our society but many of the psychological problems faced in our daily lives started first with our spiritual health.
As for the most modern churches, had made us be religious by throwing away the core good values that keep the family going. Sometimes promoting broken values to keep the family up float. I am not against religion as I believe we are inter-connected regardless of the path we are taking in our lives. Perhaps in the olden days, the church was the centre of fixing the issues going around in households mostly through counselling and prayer but in today’s world, there is a lot of mixes in with good and evil, as there some pastors would counsel people by giving wrong advice to the family homes e.g. for a partner to not divorce because the marriage is brought by God even when he/she is unhappy. Sometimes praying for the children while knowing the only thing that is needed is spirituality not only through prayer but through many rituals like cleansing the home etc. Pastors are a great way of good guidance especially towards households experiencing a hurdle but when all the dearly pastor’s advice and prayers are exhausted and nothing has been done, a lot of options should be considered. At times the pastor will be the one confirming the issues going on in our lives and sometimes those problems do not need help from the church but from a highly spiritual person or healer. In some cases, some pastors do not want their congregants to seek help elsewhere but within the church even when the help is not doing any difference to the home due to the fact they want to control and this separates family members so that can not be united. Most churches today do not provide a base form for the household as they are all about power and money. Many of these pastors hold the congregants under a spiritual spell and this could even trigger family members to be toxic towards those who are not toxic especially towards children as this will form narcissistic parenting. At times the parent will not pay any attention to the child’s needs including his/her own spiritual life. Hence why the children/ youth when they grow up they would be hung to the Educational psychosis of New Age Spirituality by wanting nothing to do with religion and church because of the confusion it brought into families
Narcissism from Oxford definition is about selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy and a need for admiration as characterizing a personality type. Often most cases in our lives, we have been taught to respect our elders regardless of whether they are wrong or not which sometimes leads to toxic situations such as a parent trying to control the family dynamics or at times one parent controlling the whole family as this creates the rest of family members to walk on eggshells.
Narcissistic Aka Toxic Parenting can move in different levels depending on the experiences the parent has had in his/ her own childhood, sometimes in adulthood. These experiences can influence the parent to treat the children in such a way that is not healthy. Some parents would raise their own children through toxicity for the betterment of the children’s lives. To become the best version of themselves and some parents rather are doing it out of anger and hate, due to what they have experienced in adulthood where you find a single parenthood situation; the father breaking up with the mother. The mother will be left to raise a child, and it is where the mother will become abusive towards the children due to what the father had done to her. The children will be reminded about the father through genetics where the children’s actions are of the father as it will remind the mother about the memories she had experienced, especially when healing had not taken place because of the societal conditioning in most African cultures where it says “A woman holds a knife by the sharp”. Which is sad really. This gives an opportunity for a narcissist parent which is the mother to control the children to become what she wants them to become. Most cases not let any of her children make mistakes just all because of what the father did to her
In some cases, one parent which will be the father, who has the complete family would control both the partner and the children. He would control the entire family emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Where the partner/counterpart would not defend themselves against this abuse due to the fact they need to keep the marriage and family strong. To be a happy family and a strong one. But in return, the counterpart will often feel oppressed. Her own happiness will be compromised for the sake of the children. This drops the self-confidence and esteem as this canto tension between his/her own partner, most cases pretence and uneasiness towards the partner.
We will often see households where parents will treat siblings according to how they are impressed about the sibling when pleasing the parents as this could potentially cause rivalry amongst siblings. At times siblings try by means to reach for a parent’s love through doing anything to please/impress even doing the things that do not make them happy but at that time, the parent will choose and recognise one sibling out of all siblings even when the other siblings are doing the same work. This could to division, in most cases those people will choose to work away from the family dynamics when they have had enough and never look back
As a society, we are all to be blamed for enforcing values that are not working in our family households by just trying yo fit in. Yes all of us including the youth, especially for those who are not willing to stand up for the truth. If you keep on inventing the same thing to work but does not work anymore, why bother? If we conform with norms in households that do not work why are we bothering ourselves? Toxic parenting is wrong, especially when children have been innocent all along. It is wrong because it breaks up family dynamics and causes rivalry amongst family members. It causes trauma, anxiety and depression, where we will see our own youth getting involved in toxic romantic/sexual relationships because of the healing that has not taken place. Many of those in toxic romantic/sexual relationships have not healed a part of themselves to let go of the hurt that the parents has brought into their lives or probably in their past lives possibly in experiencing toxic parenting
WHAT ARE WAYS YOUNG PARENTS OR THE YOUTH CAN DO TO HEAL FROM THEIR TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES TO AVOID TAKING THEM UNTO THE CHILDREN:
• They must heal from all the traumatic experiences they went through, go for counselling and even research more on narcissistic parenting for awareness purposes. They must be able to forgive their own parents and affirm to themselves that they will be better parents than their own parents. This is a good step in breaking the cycle of narcissist parenting
• Parents must understand the generation we are living in is different compared to their own generation, so they should try by means to build their relationships with their own children. Getting to know them so they can receive proper guidance in their lives
• Parents must let their own children to make decisions about their lives but they must be in charge of giving them proper guidance so that the children will not lead their lives astray
• Parents must crest an environment where children will be expressive of themselves. Where children will be for they are than to be someone else. They must treat children equally regardless of who they even when they are grown as well. To avoid rivalries and tension amongst each other
• They always say marriage is a concept of making the family household to be strong and faithful especially towards children, society has programmed us when there’s marriage, there should be children but I say there should happiness before children. When the marriage is sour especially for the female counterpart, best believe the entire household will not be happy. No matter the pretence of playing happy family, it will never work. Hence why it is important to choose your partners to be wise fully. By getting to know who they are and their family dynamics before we marry them.
• Toxic parenting is as well spiritual in most cases, especially with what is being experienced in many households today, it is unfortunately very evil, parents must learn to spiritually cut off their family biological genetics that does not serve their purposes especially for the children since they might be having personality temperaments that the particular someone who has passed on or a family member who is still alive might have bad traits which were passed down from generation to generation could trigger toxicity for the entire household. Parents must indulge more into praying for their homes, performing rituals to strengthen and purify the home, themselves and the children to avoid spiritual attacks either through biological genetics or from enemies which potentially would form a narcissistic home
About Author
Abu Bakarr Jalloh
Abu Bakarr Jalloh is a Sierra Leonean writer, storyteller, Neo Pan-African and founder of The African Dream media platform. Abu Bakarr Jalloh began telling the stories of change-makers in Africa in 2018 as a writer for Salone Messenger. Mr. Jalloh has worked tirelessly to uncover the stories of change-makers in Sierra Leone and the continent of Africa at large. Due to his passion to tell inspiring and compelling African stories, Mr. Jalloh founded The African Dream, an online media platform that tells inspiring and compelling African stories.
Contact email: abubakarrjalloh@theafricandreamsl.com
WhatsApp: +23276211583
